Melanie seems to be enjoying high school. She is discovering so many things about herself and others. She has friends whom she has had since her elementary days, as well as new friends she has made this year - both girls and boys. I think she shows a very positive attitude towards herself and her peers, and she seems to be liked by several peers. She is level-headed; her friends are just like her - responsible, attentive to their school work, and interested in many things, especially the Japanese anime.
Melanie is also becoming more assertive towards CL and me about the things she likes and wants to do with her friends. And that is where I am currently being tested. What does a mom do when her daughter tells her she wants to spend time with her peers, e.g., "After the play is over, I want to hang out with my friends until 12 midnight. Can I?" The very first test came a few nights ago. She is a techie, i.e., she builds sets and props for stage plays, and she is also a stage hand. Just two nights ago, the school staged a play in which she is a stage hand. The play ended around 9 pm. She called and said that it is a tradition to have a casting party after the first performance, and that it is the tradition to go to Ihop for that. My initial response was, "No, it is school night. She should come home." She pleaded and said she would like to go. I asked how she was getting to Ihop and what time she will be finished. She did not know. I told her to find out and call me back. I added, "I do not want you to be in a car driven by a teenager." And, "Which Ihop are they going to?"
A few minutes later, she called and told me that they might get to Ihop at around 10 and end closer to 11:30 pm, and that the Ihop is the one that is about 15 minutes away. I said forget it. She insisted and said that her friend's mom would bring them to Ihop, and asked if I could bring them home. I then said No again, and that she cannot spring matters like this at me and her dad on the spot. Then she said that logistical plans were not made prior to tonight, but that it is the tradition. Of course, in my mind, I understood that this matter is typical of the way teenagers think and do things. I said that I understand how she feels and told her my position and reasons. I told her to call her dad and talk to him about this matter to see what he says. She grudgingly did but did not get through to him. "Dad should get a cellphone," she said. After a few minutes she called back and said that her friend could not get hold of her mother and so Ihop is off.
But there was another problem. Her friend thought that her mom was supposed to pick them up, but now she could not get in touch with her mom. Audrey was asleep and I could not just leave her at home to go pick her up. They would have to wait for CL to come home.
Finally, CL came home. I told him quickly what was happening. He went to pick up Melanie and her friend. When Melanie came home, we had a talk. She went over why she wanted to go to the cast party. I told her again my position about school nights and teenagers behind the wheel. We brought CL into the conversation. He and I shared the same stance. She wanted to know why I would not let her ride in a car driven by a teenager. "And what if I was the one who was driving?" She added. I told her that she would not be driving any car at age 14, that I would not know the person behind the wheel, and that I believe that teenagers are not mature enough to be responsible for others. I told her that I may be coming across as protective, but "I have only one Melanie. I want to minimize the risk." I think that did it for her.
This matter will come up again in the near future. I think she knows me well enough not to push my buttons, and I know her well enough not to do the same. I have a very good relationship with her. I want to give her enough room to grow and develop as freely as she can, and at the same time, I want to keep her safe. As I have mentioned in past writing, "Raising teenagers is like nailing jello to the wall" is a statement, an advice, I will never forget. I am figuring out what it is I can do to prevent that jello from hitting the ground or some hard surface, for it would smash and splatter into pieces when it does. A delicate balance, parenting is.
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